The Importance of Letting Your Kids Fail

This is the time of year when many of us resolve to change something about the way we do or think about life. We make the change with the hope that things will improve. Even with the best of intentions and preparation, we’re likely to fail to some degree or at some point. Is that bad? How do we handle failure? How do we handle failure when it’s our children who are struggling?

I’m pleased to recommend the following guest article by Susan Leckband of the HELP organization. I think you’ll find her insights on the importance of letting your children fail. I certainly did!

~ Curt Bumcrot, MRE

The Importance of Letting Your Kids Fail

I am sure that just the title has ruffled some feathers already! Please bear with me as I explain my point. 

I was a world class enabler when it came to my kids. The 6 week family history project that I dutifully helped my middle kid to produce overnight? Gratefully, Kinkos was open 24 hours a day at that time. The clarinet I grudgingly delivered nearly once a week because he forgot it again? Guilty as charged. I helped him over and over again so there wouldn’t be any stress for him. There also weren’t any consequences. He didn’t learn how to handle his own mistakes so he was repeating them over and over.

I get it. No one wants their child to be unhappy, struggle and feel like a failure. In my case, I was temporarily keeping that from happening, but my interference in what could have been a learning experience due to natural consequence and my doubt in my son that he could figure out his own solutions were hobbling him. I HAD to stop. One day, I asked him what would happen if I did not deliver the forgotten woodwind. He said he would have to write a 5 page paper about “some old dead composer.”   

“That’s it?”, I asked. None of the horrible failing grades or awful punishments I had conjured up in my head? I responded “Okay, then. Next time you forget your clarinet, sharpen up your pencil because I am not bringing it.” I believe I got a “Humph” in response.

Sure enough, a week or two later, the call came. “Mooooom, pleeeease bring me my clarinet, pleeeeeease!”  I replied “No, remember we talked about this? I am sorry, but no.”

“But, Mom! I will have to…..”

” I know.” I interrupted.  “Love you, son. Goodbye. “

The worst possible thing happened according to my son. He was made to face up to his mistake and pay the consequences himself. The paper took a long time to write, but he did a good job, learned a bit about Beethoven, and never forgot his clarinet again. 

Working with kids at HELP, I see so many parents  who do the same thing. When their child is struggling through an exercise, they want to make it easy for them. They want to show them the answer instead of letting them figure it out for themselves. The only way to help our kids is to sometimes let them fail. Teaching kids to juggle is one of the things I do. Breaking things down into manageable parts is important, but then they have to drop some beanbags. Sometimes a whole lot of beanbags. Then they learn what to do to keep from dropping them. Where to put their hand and when to close it. When writing words, if the word is spelled incorrectly, asking them “How does that look?” When having them work on their auditory memory, asking “How did that sound?“ Allowing them to build their own sense of “Warning”, the ability to notice and self- correct their own mistakes is one of the greatest gifts we can give our children.

I tried to be my kids’ protector and surrogate left brain, the side of the brain that deals with cause and effect, judgment and learning from our mistakes. I wasn’t allowing them to learn from their mistakes if I was always trying to prevent them from making them.

I’m not talking about safety concerns. Obviously, if someone is in danger of running into the street, they must be stopped immediately and then spoken to about the possible injury that could have occurred. I’m talking about letting them have enough time to figure out a tough math problem before jumping in with the answer or solution. I’m talking about letting your child take the time he needs to process a response to a question before assuming she doesn’t know the answer. 

All of the kids HELP works with can, with enough time, come up with the right answer or can learn a certain exercise. It’s we, the parents, who sometimes feel that if it’s taking too long, the child must be struggling too much and either stop the exercise or give them the answer right before the child can do it themselves. This can make our children feel like we do not have confidence in them and can set up a pattern of quitting things when they get hard or simply saying “I don’t know” or “I  can’t.” Letting our kids know we have faith in their abilities to figure it out (even if a hint is needed ) helps build their self esteem and make them willing to try things that are more difficult.

I was doing a post-program test on a young man the other day, and we were assessing his ability to sequence auditory information. This was a very long sequence of numbers and he put the correct numbers in, but in a very mixed-up order. He then looked at the numbers and said that they were not in the right order. He slowly rearranged them until they were right without any cueing. Had his mom or I taken the opportunity from him to self-correct, he would have missed out on the huge sense of accomplishment he felt noticing and correcting his errors. He was absolutely beaming.

So, I have learned that to really help anyone learn I have to care for them enough to let them fail. Let them make mistakes, let them learn from those mistakes and most importantly give them the time necessary to figure things out. I can’t rush their process without hindering their progress. I have to give them the time to realize their error, decide the best way to fix it and then, only then, do they learn that they are capable, they are smart and they are amazing! The confidence that comes with that knowledge is invaluable.

Thanks for reading!

Susan L. Leckband

Executive Director

Help Elevate Learning Processing, Inc.

Is your student experiencing learning difficulties and you’ve run out of ideas on what you can do? Contact the HELP organization and take advantage of their expertise to help you change course and move forward. Currently a New Year’s special diagnostic test price of $99 is available to you!