Adjusting and Accepting

Last November when I started the first chemo regiment, I insulated myself, a decision based on a combination of factors- a suppressed immune system, the flu season, and a non-functional gastro system that my oncologist was unable to resolve. This led to malnutrition resulting in significant weight loss, extreme fatigue, body ache and generalize malaise.  No visitors beyond brief visits with immediate family. But this changed with my new oncologist who resolved my gastro issues. I had my first visitor, a former student, who needs your prayers as he fights cancer. We got together a week ago Friday. Below is part of his story.

I think most of us create narratives that explain or at least attempt to explain God’s hand and involvement in our lives. For the simple so called “trials” we experience, telling others how God bailed us out or was “teaching us patience” or some other simplistic explanation often comes quick and easy. We consider these “God things” and I wouldn’t go so far as to say these aren’t. But when something really bad happens for no apparent reason, we’re stymied. The Christian cliché’s I wrote about recently don’t necessarily help. In these awful cases, we go to thoughts like “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” and “No weapon that is formed against you will prosper.” We’re looking for hope and comfort which is natural and right, but unfortunately verses like these are limited in application or meant for someone else and don’t really fit the situation you or I are in. They weren’t helpful to Logan.

Logan Moll has been a friend of our family for close to 25 years. He lived across the street from where we live now. Home schooled like our kids, our families grew up together with our kids going back and forth between homes. When Logan reached a point in his upper elementary education, his mom wanted some tutoring in specialized areas, I took him on personally.

Logan took classes at Basic Skills, graduated through our diploma program, and went on to attend college and graduate with a four-year degree. He went to work for a national insurance firm, with the intention of eventually joining and being part of his family’s insurance business. He was to be a third generation family member stepping in to keep it moving forward.

All this sounds wonderful, and it was. It’s the kind of trajectory you hope for when it comes to your children. And then I got the text. Almost exactly the same time I received my diagnosis, Logan was out of state on business and fainted at dinner. He went to ER. His blood work was unusual. More tests. Moved to a hospital. Additional tests revealed he had a cancerous tumor growing which would require surgery. It had to be removed.

The surgery, called the Whipple procedure, is scheduled to take place in about a week and a half on May 2. It’s complicated and will last 8 to 10 hours. He, like me, has been on a chemo regiment. For him, the purpose of the chemo was to help shrink the tumor’s growth. It has, so now is the time to attempt to remove it. Recovery will be tough, and chemo for the next three to five years will be necessary to prevent its recurrence. But even with these steps, nothing is guaranteed.  

In light of all he faces, I would like to ask your prayers on his behalf. Please share and communicate this request to others as well.

All of this seems so unjust, so wrong. It’s one thing for me, having lived a good and lengthy life, to face a terminal illness. For Logan, just in his late 20’s, to face a similarly daunting and uncertain future is hard, maybe impossible, to truly come to terms with.  Some Christians turn the question, “Why does God allow bad things to happen to good people,” around. They ask, “Why does God allow good things to happen to bad people.” Maybe it’s their way of factoring in the doctrine of our depravity. All of us are in need of redemption as is taught in Ephesians 2:8-10. True, we don’t deserve any of the good we experience in life. But God’s relationship with us is not based on quid pro quo. This is  very clear if you take to heart what the Bible says about His for love for us and let it soak in.

I think regularly about Deuteronomy 29:29 “The secret things belong to the LORD our God, but the things revealed belong to us and to our children forever, that we may follow all the words of this law” (which, we know we don’t keep if we’re honest).  If I want to know what God thinks of me, I have the four Gospels to see how Christ interacted with people. “In the past God spoke to our ancestors through the prophets at many times and in various ways, but in these last days he has spoken to us by his Son, whom he appointed heir of all things, and through whom also he made the universe.” Hebrews 1:1-2.  Going beyond what the Scripture tells me is a short walk into speculation and is unproductive.

Some updates and thoughts   

• If you find yourself someday in a similar place like me, you might find that your desire to read wanes. Over the last three weeks my ability to read due to the disease and chemo side effects is returning. Audio has been a good alternative. Hearing God’s word or commentary through podcasts has been my go-to medium.

• I know I mentioned this before, but having Jenny navigate with me all that I’m going through has been absolutely essential. She advocates for me with the medical institutions continuously. Anyone who finds themselves in a life-threatening place needs an advocate, one who is assertive. In spite of many fine and well-intentioned medical people, the medical establishment is over sized, and the “squeaky wheel still gets the grease,” as the saying goes, is still the rule.

• I’ve had a tendency to compare degrees of suffering, mine and others. First, no suffering is trivial, and it’s pointless to compare. It seems that through suffering, God is first unmaking you in order to remake you: “But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body. So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.” – 2^nd Corinthians 4: 7-11.

• What Dietrich Bonhoeffer says is true: “When Christ calls a man, he bids him come and die.”

• My go-to book in the Bible for comfort and encouragement continues to be the Psalms. This quote from the 1500’s was helpful to me: “For here (in the Psalter) we find not only what one or two saints have done, but what he has done who is the very head of all saints. We also find what all the saints still do, such as the attitude they take toward God, toward friends and enemies, and the way they conduct themselves amid all dangers and sufferings.”

• I wish all the meds I need to take beyond the chemo weren’t necessary. The effect of steroids is huge. Weight gain and loss swing back and forth. Insomnia.  Increased Edema. More energy but an equivalent crash that always follows. This leads me to grab opportunities to do things that may not be possible within mere hours of the energy I currently possess. But, I need these meds to extend my life.  I bring this up to say to any readers who need medication to make their life work, perhaps an anti-depressant, to go for it. Some issues aren’t spiritual. No shame. Some one said, “Until Jesus returns, there’s Zoloft!

• I’ve found I have a compelling need for light through the night, even while sleeping, to the degree that I do sleep. I’m usually up two to four times a night. I find I need to sleep in a heated room absorbing the radiating heat of our wood stove.  I tend to get cold easy, maybe due to the amount of weight and muscle mass I’ve lost. Aromatherapy every evening helps. I I use peppermint for nausea, lavender to induce restfulness, and both lemon and orange just for the pure pleasure of their fragrance. I appreciate having our two dogs in the same room, although one of them snores so loud it wakes me regularly. If a sleep number dog bed was available with remote control, I’d buy it without hesitation!

• Finally, which brings me back to the beginning of this post, I’m gaining a growing awareness of the importance of not insulating yourself, if it all possible. Having Logan over benefited me as much as it did him. The comfort, encouragement, understanding and prayer was mutually helpful as we together met with my pastor.

How you can pray:

Physical healing: of the same kind that Hezekiah requested. Yes, I do know God can and could heal me ultimately, that is take me home. Some see this as his answer to their prayer, but that’s not my request. I’m asking for physical healing in this life, and it can come any way God directs: through the chemo, stem cell, laying on of hands, etc.

Physical stamina for Jenny: Not only is she care giving for me, but her work load at Basic Skills is increasing as it must now that we are entering the testing season. I love her dearly and would not be holding my own without her involvement.

Basic Skills staff: My employees are learning to work without my presence. They are doing a great job serving our clients with the values and commitment that has characterized Basic Skills through the years. I am still able to work some remotely from home and do occasionally show up at the office in the evenings. Hard to stay away!

Church attendance: Really miss not being able to attend worship services. Expecting this to change as we head toward summer. I really desire to receive God’s ministry and gifts to me in a congregational setting.

Your prayers and comments are a huge comfort and support to me and Jenny. Thank you so much. Please don’t stop.

In Christ,

Curt