The Way Forward
September 5- coming up soon. That’s the anniversary of the date of my diagnosis. In one way, I’m glad to celebrate. Amyloidosis, being so rare, often goes undiagnosed or misdiagnosed for months or longer. And if that’s the case, treatment options become more narrow and often ineffective. So, September 5 is a cause for me to celebrate since I believe (and hope) my diagnosis was relatively early in the disease’s progression.
As I write this, I’m almost 50 days out from my “new birth“. I haven’t needed my walker for over a week. My appetite is increasing and my food choices expanding a little. My gastro system is showing signs of calming down. My oncologist suggests that the amyloids are being flushed out of my organs as the stem cells begin to work their magic. I hope he’s right. Last week he told me to schedule my next appointment 3 weeks out. The weekly blood draws and visits are over for now. I’m in remission and I am grateful.
Still, like many of you who have experienced life-altering events, my mind bounces back and forth reflecting and comparing this last year to previous years. By life altering I mean things like:
- The loss of a child, a spouse, a sibling , a parent, a good friend.
- A divorce you didn’t see coming.
- A change in your physical well-being- a chronic illness, cancer or other life-threating diagnosis or, an accident leaving you permanently impaired.
- A financial reversal with no remedy.
- A psychological condition- something possibly inherited, or the result of a toxic work or family setting. Maybe the side effect of a pharmaceutical you’re taking.
- A crisis in your faith when you realize that what you’ve been led or told to believe isn’t lining up with how you’re reading the Bible, your experience, or how you see things.
And like most of you who’ve experienced a life altering event like one of the above, there is no denying that I wish things were different. Somethings are just out of our control regardless of what the “Christian” karma pundits on God TV say.
Whatever has happened, the sense of loss of your previous life is undeniable and real. And, there are no simple answers really. Being told or telling yourself that “the answer is Jesus” comes off as sounding just plain dumb. What does that really mean? Not many of us, in a condition of suffering, denies on a foundational level that this is true. But still, the question lingers, “What does this look like?”
I would say that comparing “what was” with “what is” is a losing proposition. I could say to myself, “A year ago last January I was giving snowboarding lessons. Now I’m cruising around in in a wheelchair.” Or, “It’s July 4, and last year I was at Short Sands State Park enjoying the beach. This year I’m at the beginning of a three week stay at a hospital.”
Honestly, this kind of comparison is a downer not just for you, but for everyone close to you who knows or hears your story.
It’s clear our life has changed. While as much as we would like our friends and family to appreciate and empathize with the suffering we’re experiencing more completely, they really can’t unless they’ve been through a similar life-altering experience. They shouldn’t be expected too. This cross (if that’s what it is) has been put on you and me, not them. Holding this point of view is not easy, but I think it’s the way things really are. Denying or minimizing what has happened is not helpful, and a constant dwelling and replay of “the past year’s events” isn’t either.
So, what might “The answer is Jesus” look like?
I think we see it in the life of David with the loss of his innocent, newborn son. The story is recorded in 2nd Samuel chapter 12. While acknowledging that David was a man after God’s own heart, this wasn’t true all the time.
For David, “The answer is Jesus” meant:
- Confessing his sin of murder and adultery to the prophet Nathan, as to God himself.
- Being absolved of his sin by Nathan, as by God himself.
- Pleading with God to spare his newborn son’s life, a consequence of David’s sin. (And no, I don’t like this part of the story either.)
- His coming to terms with his son’s death, the consequence of his sin, and moving forward.
But then, and I think there is something in this for us, is how David responded to being told his son had died:
Then David got up from the ground. After he had washed, put on lotions and changed his clothes, he went into the house of the Lord and worshiped. Then he went to his own house, and at his request they served him food, and he ate.
His attendants asked him, “Why are you acting this way? While the child was alive, you fasted and wept, but now that the child is dead, you get up and eat!”
He answered, “While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept. I thought, ‘Who knows? The Lord may be gracious to me and let the child live.’ But now that he is dead, why should I go on fasting? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him, but he will not return to me.”
David’s loss, like ours, is real. His life changed permanently. But in faith, he moved forward. In faith he accepted God’s forgiveness and will. In faith, he worshiped. And in faith, he looked forward to someday being united with his son- the truth spelled out centuries later in the Apostles Creed in which we affirm by confessing, “I believe in the resurrection of the body and the life everlasting.”
The way forward is by faith. Faith in the love, promises, and goodness of God.
I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. -Romans 8:18
If we’re going to do any comparing, let’s compare “what is” to “what’s to be.”
Thanks for reading!
Curt
Excellent article Curt. I too, as you know found my way forward. I’m so happy to hear your progress. My prayers continue daily for both you and Jenny. Please give her a hug for me.
I’ll give Jenny a hug! Sometimes it seems like the trials keep adding up on top of each other. You have and continue to move forward. In the midst of the heart ache I know you’ve experienced, God’s joy is so manifested in your life. Thank you always for your prayers! -Curt
Beautifully written! Thank you.
I love this perspective.
Continued prayers for and your whole family.
God is definitely working in your life through all the ups and downs.
Thank you Missy. I know you’ve had your share.
Mr. Bumcrot,
Thank you for sharing your heart and these wise words. My family continues to pray for you and yours.
Thank you, Nathan!
So happy to hear progress moving forward! God is good, and HAS been good all through this. People who have not experienced life altering trauma can’t really understand the road traveled by the one chosen for this path. But we most definitely can see God’s hand moving in our suffering and rejoice in the strength that the prayers of the saints imparts to us. I bless the Lord for his faithfulness towards you!
Be strong… you are a man of God, a warrior!
Thank you, Vickie, for your affirming words. God is faithful!
Hi curt thank you to share this with us we keep praying for you and your family .
Thank you, Hala, for your continued prayers. While I feel and am actually be getting better, I am, and will always be, dependent on God and the prayers of his people. That’s a regular reminder I tell myself. Thanks for your support
Kurt – thank you for sharing your heart. I believe we have to be real about our struggles – how weak we are and how much we need the Lord to sustain us. I know that feeling of realizing life will never be the same. I think I will always grieve our loss, but I also cherish the beautiful path God has given us. Praying for you and Jenny! Will you tell her I am available for prayer or whatever! Let everyone you guys, Lori
I think not to be real, not to be honest and admit our struggles is a denial of Scripture even though some would call this a “negative confession.” Paul’s writings are full of “negative confessions.” He acknowledges his “present sufferings”” because he, like all of us, need the grace of God to sustain him. Thank you so much for your continued prayers. They are sustaining both of us.. .
I totally agree. In this world we are promised tribulation, but we are to be of good cheer. I wrestle with that “joy that was before Him endured the cross” thing because I am so weak. Our Father has given you wisdom and grace Curt, and the words to share with the ones who love you and your family. I praise God for His touch on your life that is bringing truth and healing to others. Thank you Lord for blessing Curt!!
I think I know what you mean. In the world, for the time being, things aren’t the way should be, and we’re all affected by and caught up in the muck. We want Jesus to act and intervene but often he seems absent. We know by faith he isn’t absent, that he is involved, but like you say, we are promised tribulation. There’s a lag and what seems to me to be a “delay” in what I think an all powerful Holy God should do.
And they cried out in a loud voice, “How long, O Lord, holy and true, until You judge those who live on the earth and avenge our blood?” Then each of them was given a white robe and told to rest a little while longer, until the full number of their fellow servants, their brothers, were killed, just as they had been killed.… -Revelation 6:10-11
Will continue to pray for you and your family.
Curt: Such terrific news!!! Enjoy each day as the gift that it is…amen..worship and praise our most high king!! God certainly must have a new assignment for you and Jenny and family. I’m sure Marion is smiling…too. I shall pray that God leads you in the path of righteousness and that he can use these events in your life …for his glory…basking in his love indeed. God bless you and Jenny and family and keep you in the palm of his hand. A privilege to know you
So true what you say, each day is a gift. I do think about my mom a lot. That’s how I see her too- smiling and rooting me on as one of the cloud of witnesses, Hebrews 12:1.
Beautifully and honestly written Curt. I am so glad to hear of your progress and continue to pray the new life the stem cells started will continue to grow and firmly establish health in your body and result in strength and years and years of health going forward. I call every year past diagnosis, bonus years. I love the verse in Romans. It’s my favorite. Give my love to Jenny as well and enjoy each bonus day, week, month and year.
Truly each day is a bonus. Your words are virtually identical to a new friend, a fellow stem cell recipient, who battles both amyloidosis and multiple myeloma. I’ll pass on your kind words to Jenny.
I always enjoy your readings Curt. You are truly one of the most positive people I know and you have inspired me in more ways than you know. Stay strong and I will pray that you continue to make great progress. Hugs to both you and Jenny ❤️
Thank you, Linda. Who knows, maybe in the new year Jenny and I will get down to California for a visit, and we can all get together. Thanks for your continued prayers.
Curt,
You illness certainly hasn’t affected your ability to communicate and write some of the most moving and inspiring messages. I am so thankful that things are improving. Your perspective is so reflective. I appreciate your view and insights on the scriptures you shared. I loved, “If we’re going to do any comparing, let’s compare”, “what is” to “what’s to be.” That is true for any of us who look back to better days when going through something tough. You have used this experience to learn from it and at the same time taught each of us who have had the privilege of reading your thoughts many valuable lessons. You and Jenny are constantly in my thoughts and prayers and I am so grateful for the times that I can talk with you. Keep moving forward my special brother. I love you all!
Soon after I got the diagnosis, I did learn that one organ, as far as we know, that is not affected is the brain. We laughed and were grateful when we learned this. The chemo can and has done a number on my brain at times, ha ha. Nothing permanent I suspect. Jenny and I appreciate our relationship with you over the many years since NCCS. Many great memories!
Beautiful writing Curt! I love your heart…. your endurance and hope in God’s goodness through all that you’re enduring. You are of beacon of grace in action to your family and friends. May you live many years and continue to shine to the next generation.
Beautiful writing Curt! I love your heart…. your endurance and hope in God’s goodness through all that you have been enduring. You are of beacon of grace in action to your family and friends. May you live many years and continue to shine to the next generation.
Thanks, Jeff. I’m with you! What you say reminds me of this passage:
Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. Romans 5:2-5.
Love you, brother!
Thank you, Curt, for articulating, so well, the truth of your journey. God’s Spirit is so obviously at work in you, continuing to complete all He has begun. Praying for you, Jenny, and your family. Grateful for the remission and encouragement to you. You are a treasure to Him and to so many.
Thanks, Luanna. I’ve thought about suffering and the work of God in our life. As much as I would like to separate the two, somethings aren’t accomplished in us any other way. Yet, I’m looking forward to that day when, like it says in Revelation,“He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” Thank you for your continued prayers.