The Chemo Honeymoon is Over

Some of my readers may think way differently about some of what I write here in the last half of this article. What I say, and how I say it could be considered snarky. That’s OK, of course. It is, however, simply a reflection as I wrestle and work through my new lifestyle. That’s why it falls under the category it does-  Curt’s Reflections. You’re invited to journey along.  I appreciate having you with me. Your mileage, though, may vary.

In my last post, I mentioned going to the Verizon store to get my new phone set up. I love it! It turns on by face recognition. To set it, I had to take a couple of selfies, each from four different angles. I did this publicly while in the store. This public process felt a little awkward and I was self-conscious. It does make the new phone move quicker. Even the apps open this way too. Most of the time, that is.

In the mornings when I get up, my phone doesn’t always recognize me. Shoot, looking into the mirror, I don’t recognize me either… unfortunately, this is nothing new. I have to go back to keying a code to get into my phone.

Reminds me of a visit with my good friend, Michael O’Rourke, a few years back.  While he’s Jenny’s cousin, he’s like a brother to me. He and his wife Kim were up visiting from California. He’s a golfer, so we played a couple of games while they were here…

A few minutes before one of them, Michael was standing in front of a large mirror, not moving much.

“C’mon Michael, grab your clubs. Tee time now. Time to take our beating on the course.”

It was like he didn’t hear me.

Looking at himself, his face mainly, he said, “How did this happen?”

He made me laugh. I said to him, “I know, I know. It’s an over-a-period-of-time kind of thing. And it’s not going to get any better. But we’ve got a game waiting for us. Let’s go.”

We had a great time “taking our beatings.”

Time has a way of sifting things. We think we have it “under control” and then…

Like I said, I was controlling my nausea with hydration and peppermint oil. My plan was working so well, in spite of not getting enough sleep over the last four nights. Steroids were the culprits.

But that wasn’t stopping me. Monday night I went to the gym for a mild aerobic workout. Three of my docs recommended this as a way of strengthening and improving my heart for a possible stem cell transplant that will extend my life. After the half an hour workout, I was on a roll, or so I thought. I called Jenny on my way back home and told her I was going to cheat off my gluten/dairy free diet. I was going to pick up some Mexican food.

I was actually in a bad mood when I called. I was short with her when I told her my meal plan. She saw part of the “old me,” the part that will always accompany the “new me” (aka Romans 7) for as long as I live. You see, I had lost weight in spite of my best efforts to eat and hydrate properly. I was on my way down to a one-week loss of 7 pounds. Down deep I was mad and frustrated. I was going to do something about it. Eat something cheesy and fatty with a lot of calories. I’m going to gain it back quickly. I’m in charge!

And then it happened. I got sick while driving. In moments, my nausea returned and progressed, accompanied by a huge headache. I could feel my face warming up. I won’t give you the additional details except to say that I drove directly home and went to bed where I “hung out” over the next two or three days learning how much “control” I really had. Not much, really. I largely slept through the election.

I wasn’t able to stay up with the commentary that was being made by the various church leaders who have an inside track on “what God is doing” to share with the faithful. I know they’re a busy group. They have books to unload, audio media, and many products to make us “better Christians.” Even emergency food just in time to use for the Thanksgiving holiday, thanks to the “ministry” of Jim Bakker.

This last Thursday I went to receive my on-site treatment at Compass Oncology. Now that I was out of bed, I was feeling better, but moving at half speed. Blood drawn on from the left arm this time, injection given on the right side. I found that my labs were mostly improving with my troponin level (measures heart function) improving and moving in the right direction. But my blood sugar was off, along with a kidney number due to being dehydrated.

Crap! Time to get back “in the saddle,” take control, and do something to correct this. Side effects from the treatment showed up within about two hours. These are dirty little cocktails I’m getting. I wasn’t in the saddle long.

I did follow some new protocols suggested by the support staff at Compass. I got some helpful ideas to try from friends and family members too, which I followed. All of this came from outside myself. Extra Nos — a personal “intervention” of sorts by those who love me. As a result, the last two days have been decent. I made it to church, mask dawned to avoid catching the latest cold or flu if it was around. A nap in the afternoon. A really good day, actually!

About this control thing, I know many of you may have a different take on this. I know I have in the past. And then AL Amyloidosis… and then treatment, and then whatever else is coming.

Don’t take this as passivity. I am slowly coming to terms with what my limits are. It’s been, and continues to be, a process. God isn’t asking my permission to mess with my theology. The Holy Spirit isn’t the gentleman I once took him for, waiting to be “invited” by me to do stuff in me before acting.

God can be downright in your face!  But, it’s all good, and I’m in a good place, and feel well taken care of.

Just today I was reading and praying Psalm 6, along with Isaiah 38. God’s way in my life seems to be one of “opposition” followed by comfort and consolation. “killing and making alive”, so to speak. At least that’s how I’m reading these passages.

Seems consistent with my experience.

This fall I was supposed to be teaching a Sunday school class on “The Theology of the Cross” at my church. Instead, I find myself being stretched out on a cross of Jesus’ own making for me. A tiny taste actually,  probably really only a hint, of what he went through.

“That I may know him, and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death. – Philippians 3:10

Do I like this? No.

Am I “delighting in God” through all this, being sure not to “waste my cancer” or in my case, my cancer- like experience? You’ve got to be kidding. I’m not that spiritual. I’m more like crying out, complaining, and weeping at times. Comes and goes, really. A daily rescue from Jesus is what I desire and delight in!

I am praying more, and that’s good.

I thought about a short book that needs to be written on this subject. How’s this for a title? “Not Ten Steps to Improve Your Prayer Life, just one: Get Amyloidosis. Or cancer, really. Amyloidosis is in short supply.” Joking here a little; dark humor over takes me at times.

So that’s been my week, ending well. Expecting to be in the office sometime tomorrow for a little while.  Taking one day at a time as the saying goes. Living in the present. Learning contentment. Still struggling with denial. Adjusting, trusting. Loving the new-found time I have with my wife, family, and grandkiddos. Yes! It truly is all good in this respect.

What can you pray about for me? Like my long-time friend from the 1980’s, Dr. Bryan Ray sometimes writes in his comments preceding a particular Tidbit article.

 “I want to be like…”, Well,  I want to be like and have the experience of Hezekiah found in Isaiah 38. That would be incredible.

Thanks for continued prayers and support!

Curt

P.S. Since I’m finding myself with more time as I will be working largely from home. I want to do something about it. I know, sounds like more “back in the saddle” kind of language from me. Hard to give it up.

My daughter Natalie and I have been discussing plans for some new digital products which we plan to introduce incrementally in the new year.

* Exploratory plans include a new Essential Learning Objectives product linked to Common Core objectives. If it’s doable, it will be simple and purely informative. Just a reference tool for you to help you understand what’s going on. The Essential Learning Objective product and the accompanying ELO Quick Assessments we wrote years ago, continue to stand the test of time and are very useful.

* New One Hour practice tests linked to the Terra Nova 3 will be available at some levels next year. A lot depends on if the norming study by CTB, the publisher, was successful, and how quickly we can look at the norming data. .

So, stay tuned. Good things are ahead!